❝ wait. can we steal babies? ❞

❝ i'm going cakeless. ❞

❝ come, on. face the challenge! don't be a wuss. ❞

❝ as you know, i'm a fan of blazing it up and smoking dat herb. ❞

❝ speaking of hard, my dick. ❞

❝ i'm really smart sometimes, but only sometimes. ❞

❝ you promised me a death. ❞

❝ he's allegedly a piece of shit. ❞

❝ the ghost wants you to blow his wood ❞

❝ YOU WILL NEVER GO TO OLIVE GARDEN JUST FOR THE BREADSTICKS! YOU WILL GET YOUR ASS TO RED LOBSTER EVERY WEEK AND SHOVE THAT CHEDDAR INTO YOUR HOLE, AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU FAT FUCK! ❞

❝ everyone’s tried sucking their own dick. ❞

❝ i’m not gay, but i WILL suck a dick ❞

❝ i saw a bird die on tv once. ❞

❝ do babies float? ❞

❝ but a dude could just sperm everywhere all-day, every-day and never run out! ❞

❝ but how does a gloryhole work? How do you know what you’re gonna get? ❞

❝ no, pinnochio is not biblical. ❞

❝ when have you ever seen a bird take a piss? ❞

❝ just because something existed, doesn’t mean it’s good. case in point; the holocaust. ❞

❝ I’M SORRY. I WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL, OKAY?! ❞

❝ how do you make a baked potato- do you just bake a potato? ❞

❝ i once shaved my beard, and _____ shaved his head, so i glued _____'s head-hair to my chin, and _____ glued my beard-hair to his head. then, we both shaved our pubes and glued them to ______'s armpits. ❞

❝ i’d do an impression of you, but i don’t have a dick in my mouth. ❞

❝ there’s no upside-down in space! ❞

❝ what would happen if your penis was gay? like, you were straight, but your nob was into dudes. ❞

❝ do you think goosebumps for blind people are like reading a bunch of jumbled letters? ❞

❝ i bet if I went back to the dark ages, i could be some type of ancient sex therapist. ❞

❝ in the lego movie, the word ‘lego’ isn’t said once ❞

❝ i had a girlfriend once who would talk to trees. ❞

❝ that turned my phone gay. ❞

❝ i walk in and you’re filming. that typically means something’s happening. ❞

❝ you are the mother of all dinosaurs. ❞

❝ you don’t drink the heroin. ❞

❝ you can get anything at a wal-mart, even tornados. ❞

❝ cats are like large goldfish. ❞

❝ it's hard to remember what you've forgotten. ❞